What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 00:22
I don,t even have a pension.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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He was dying to do it , i knew.
She was in good health!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Who then, do I blame.?
It was going to be , some day.
Put me off passion for life!!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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Was to survive, this bastard.
I write beautiful poetry .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
What transforms the philosophical intellect?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
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Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Shouldn’t there be a short porn platform like TikTok?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I never cut or harmed myself..
Is it sinful for Christians to look at beautiful women?
Would this be the day?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
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When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
What is the most peculiar thing about the human brain?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
This is soul school!.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My life is so biszare .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
All the time i was locked up.
I said to her
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She wouldn,t have been !
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We all went to grammer schools
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I couldn’t, believe it.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He knew the spot.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
One cannot live in the past .
We were not on the streets..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I will be 64.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But, we were locked up after school.
She found it foreign!.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
What did i know ?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And i lived it daily.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
So, i spoilt her more .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Im still living with it.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I have no regrets .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I think the readers, may guess!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Comes on , in middle age.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She loved him until the end.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Ive learnt so much.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was 9 years of age.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was seconnd youngest,
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Why did i forgive my father ?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
So whats the point in blame.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My family never makes their pension either.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
When she asked me how she looked .
I was very sick at this time too.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
As i do to all so called friends.?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He resisted the act ,that day.
But it wasn’t much.
I waited trembling.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I was scared of men, in general
She married twice! .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.