What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 00:01
I had hoped to write a book about this .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Ive learnt so much.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
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We all went to grammer schools
She wouldn,t have been !
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Some men love anal sex more than vaginal sex. Why?
Put me off passion for life!!
I will be 64.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I think the readers, may guess!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Why do foolish atheists think their strange delusional theories are facts?
Who then, do I blame.?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was scared of men, in general
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She married twice! .
I don,t even have a pension.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
So, i spoilt her more .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I couldn’t, believe it.
One cannot live in the past .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She found it foreign!.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I never cut or harmed myself..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
It was going to be , some day.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
All the time i was locked up.
I was seconnd youngest,
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I said to her
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He knew the spot.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Why did i forgive my father ?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I have no regrets .
I write beautiful poetry .
I was very sick at this time too.
Comes on , in middle age.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But, we were locked up after school.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And i lived it daily.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was 9 years of age.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
What did i know ?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I waited trembling.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My family never makes their pension either.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My life is so biszare .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
So whats the point in blame.
When she asked me how she looked .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But it wasn’t much.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Would this be the day?
But ive been too sick for many years..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We were not on the streets..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Im still living with it.
Was to survive, this bastard.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She was in good health!
She loved him until the end.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
This is soul school!.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Especially a lifetime of it.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He resisted the act ,that day.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
They are buried together, in the same grave..